Freshers' Week Friendships

As half a million teenagers begin the social whirlwind of Freshers' Week to mark the start of their university careers, is it the most important week of their life for making friends?

By the end of Freshers' Week, Tom Crookston was exhausted and broke.

"It was mad. I don't remember that much about it but it was very intense socially and very drink-heavy."

Six years after that frenetic whirlwind of pub crawls and late nights in Edinburgh, Tom is still close friends with several of those with whom he shared those dizzying few days.

"It was hectic and I spent a huge amount of money. I had just got my first student loan payment, the most money I had had in my life.

"So you think 'Oh my God, I can do whatever I want, eat whatever I want and drink constantly.'"

Now it's all about to happen again - as Tom embarks on a masters degree in Cambridge. But, older and wiser, he expects this Freshers' Week to be a quieter affair.

It will be second time round for him but this week, half a million students begin university life for the first time, which is more than four out of every 10 school leavers.

Best Time of Your Life?

It's a period that is nostalgically characterised as the best of your life, with an expectation that friendships formed there will last a lifetime. Never is that more apparent than in the first week, when the university organises social events to help the newcomers settle in.

"Freshers' Week gives students the opportunity to meet each other - particularly those arriving for the first time - make friends, sign up for societies and clubs, and register for lectures," says Wes Streeter, president of the National Union of Students.

For some universities it is a fortnight but the emphasis is changing, he says, so the events are becoming less alcohol-driven.

Edinburgh University, for example, has introduced fair-trade picnics and coffee walks for students to sample some local culture.

But while there's a host of practical considerations about starting a new course, exploring a new city, managing finances and doing one's own laundry without a parent on hand to explain where the powder goes, for many new students it is the social opportunities that induce the greatest anxiety.

The support network of family and school friends has disappeared, and the moment of arrival at university on the first day, or the time when the parents wave goodbye and drive off, is a pivotal moment in a son or daughter's life - alone in a place which will be home for three or four years.

Some students try to avoid arriving in complete social isolation by making contact with others in advance of the first day, on Facebook or on the UCAS website.

The arbiter on social etiquette, Debrett's, has also tried to help by extending its influence to student life, and publishing a list of dos and don'ts for freshers. The pressure to make friends brings its own social pitfalls, says Jo Bryant, its etiquette adviser.

Don't do something that will haunt you for the rest of your university life, she says, like drunken antics or saying the wrong thing.

"It can seem like you know people better than you actually do, because you're experiencing so many things together.

"You can think you're forging a greater friendship than there is. So keep really strong opinions to yourself."

If people become too obsessed with making friends then they don't listen properly and ask questions, she says. Avoid getting intense with someone early on and be sensitive if you find someone is getting a little clingy.

'No Panic'

The week is quite over-rated in terms of friendship potential, says Mark Vernon, author of The Philosophy of Friendship.

"The problem is there's a tremendous pressure to make friends in this week but because of everyone's expectations, people can rush into it.

"That's why there's the saying that you spend the first term making lots of friends and the second and third ones trying to get rid of them."

Everyone is thrown into a similar situation - a turning point in their life - but a really good friendship is not about sharing an experience but knowing someone as an individual in all kinds of contexts, says Mr Vernon.

"There's a huge amount of nostalgia about college days in Hollywood films and books. People go expecting this to be the moment you make your lifelong friends and after two or three years maybe you will. But don't get into a panic if you haven't met your soul mate in Freshers' Week."

The whole mentality of the week is to commit yourself to something, he says, which is fine if that's the rowing club, but don't feel like you have to make similar commitments to friends.

"You're at a vulnerable moment. A new place and new friends. People around you that are apparently very confident, apparently enjoying their university life. It's quite an intimidating environment."

It takes great courage to really see what's going on and to enjoy it for what it is, but don't think it's any more than it really is.

"Perhaps Aristotle best characterised the human condition when he said:

'The desire for friendship comes quickly but friendship does not.'

(Source: BBC Magazine Flickr)